My name is Jennifer, and this is my story.

My name is Jennifer Bouton-Espino. I've since added my husband's last name, but I couldn't bring myself to remove my father's last name, Bouton, because it feels like a connection to my history.

I am the daughter of immigrant parents—a father who endured a lifetime of abuse, leading to drug addiction and alcoholism, and a mother who was too young and lost, fleeing her own home of sexual abuse. Growing up with these two as parents led to physical, emotional, verbal, and spiritual abuse. I have no baby pictures of myself (though my mom insists they exist), but I do have memories of my mom leaving us to cheat on my dad, and images of my father dragging her through the house by her hair. I remember scenes of my mom being held up to the burning stove as my brother and I cowered under the kitchen table, crying and screaming for him to stop. Sometimes we got lucky, and the cops would show up. Then we would cry for him not to be taken away.

It was a challenge, witnessing so much violence, enduring the ugly separation, and testifying in court about which parent treated us "less badly." I wanted both, but it seems like I got half of each. My therapist calls me "a feral kitten" that no one ever took the time to properly care for. I grew up way too fast, surrounded by absent parents, different random men, unrestricted TV, and a brain filled with toxic images too mature for a pre-teen. My life quickly spiraled into lust, porn addiction, sexual curiosity, and a soul that just wanted to be seen. I began looking for love in all the wrong places, having my first boyfriend at just 12 years old and my first girlfriend at 16. I happily accepted the labels of lesbian, gay, and bisexual because men seemed "stupid and gross."

My parents tried to help me, but by that point, my life had become a reflection of theirs. There wasn't much they could say that wouldn't provoke my rebellion. The devil truly had me in his grasp—sex, drugs, pills, alcohol, zero self-worth, zero self-value or self-love, depression, suicidal thoughts.

At 20 years old, I found myself facing a felony for domestic violence. Sitting in that jail cell, I began to reflect on my life. I couldn’t help but think, "How did my life end up this messed up? How did I end up doing all the things I promised myself I wouldn't do?" As a child, I swore I would never hit, yell, or abuse. But there I was—a product of pain and neglect. I kept thinking: there has to be more! I thank God now for instilling that feeling in me. I always felt in my spirit that my life was meant for more.

One day when I deep in a dark place, I cried out to Jesus. See, I would frequently watch sermons and preachings of the gospel while intoxicated. His words would bring me comfort. His songs would bring me peace as I sat alone at night in my room, scared of what my life had become. Scared that I would not be able to make it out alive.

One night, I remember telling God, "If you take away these feelings, I'll serve you!" And guess what, my friends—here I am. Thank you, Jesus! It's been over 8 years of faithfully walking with Him. I call Him my best friend, my father, Adonai, my dad, the God who sees me for who I am.

WHERE I AM NOW: My Lord has been my everything. I didn't have a big family or healthy people in my life to help me out of that hole. There were so many messes that needed cleaning up. But after you have a personal one-on-one encounter with the one true God, you are forever changed! There's no going back. I made a decision to walk with Jesus every step of the way. I knew that as long as I stayed close to Him, everything would be okay.

Sometimes people ask me, "So how'd you do it? How were you able to change so much and leave all that ugly stuff in the past?" I often struggle to formulate a sentence that captures what truly happened. I tell them I cried out, God heard me, and He answered. I then began the long journey of healing and restoration. Now, I walk hand in hand with Jesus. His Word teaches me how to live on this earth. He parents my inner child and heals all my wounds. His teachings make me a better servant. His Spirit brings me comfort when life gets scary. You might catch me at the altar, ugly crying, because the feeling I get when we worship is indescribable! I feel overwhelmed with joy!

My life is now blessed! I was able to meet the husband of my dreams. God delivered me from homosexuality, from drug addiction, from lust, from promiscuity, and from loneliness. He took my wandering heart and placed me right where I needed to be.

Now, being able to serve the women of our community through Gateway City Church has been a true gift! I know there is real pain and real struggle out there! It's not always a cookie-cutter faith. I'm honored to be part of a women's ministry that addresses the hard, taboo subjects. I'm grateful for a God who is always willing and able to meet you right where you're at.

Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. I have seen the power and realness of God. My faith is forever set in stone because I know that what God did for me is a miracle, and He isn't shy in the miracle department. I'm just one girl He saved. But I know that there are so many others out there who need that same saving grace. His heart is for you, and He is ready and willing to meet you where you are, just as He met me. If you're feeling lost, broken, or trapped in darkness, there is hope. God is madly in love with you, and He’s not asking for perfection—He’s asking for a relationship. Won’t you come and see that He is good?